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I Cannot BELIEVE What I’m Watching

Is this really the state of things? 

Are people really making movies like “The Back-Up Plan” and “The Switch”? 

We’re expected to believe women are reduced to having to go to sperm banks because their biological clocks are ticking and they don’t have men to make babies with?  And the women they cast aren’t regular women, with regular bodies and regular craziness… they’re Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Aniston (what’s with the name Jennifer and being able to portray women who “have their shit together” except for not having a man?)

It’s worse than I thought… 

It’s Getting Serious

If you’ve read this blog over the years, you know that my interests are all over the map based on where I travel, where I work, who I fall in love with, what I read, what I watch and who I meet.  It’s been a place where I feature things I like, things I hate, things that happen to me and the world which inspires me to comment and share.  

So it’s in this spirit that I move into a new phase of this blog and my commentary about life as it happens to me.

This is a place for me to get super honest about what’s going on with me.  Part therapy, part sharing my experiences, part support for those going through the same things and part venting (actually there’s gonna be a LOT of this part).  

What prompted using this tool in a new way?  About 18 years ago I was diagnosed with a condition called PCOS: PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Little was known about the syndrome back then, except it meant women who suffered from it would have irregular periods, might experience some extra cramping and could have trouble conceiving children without help.  At age 13, I was embarrassed to be on birth-control, but I was assured this offered the best treatment and if things started happening regularly again (in the monthly bill department, that is), chances are I wouldn’t have to worry about those other scary things.  

And so I took my pill, every day until a few weeks after my 20th birthday when I started dating someone I really cared for and thought I might get a bit more “serious” with someday.  I went to another doctor to whom I mentioned my diagnosis.  I asked if we could talk about and test whether or not I was infertile.  He asked if I planned to have a baby within the next year and when I told him that was not on the cards, he said, “Let’s just cross that bridge when we get to it.”  Feeling like I was over-reacting, feeling lost and feeling resentful, I took myself off birth control and have not been on it since.  

I had no information.  I thought it was a gynecologist’s job to diagnose me and since mine knew, I thought he’d let me know if there was something else to know/worry about and I left it there. 

Over the next 10 years it was business as usual: shaving my legs every day, working out to the point of near obsession, starving myself, waxing everything from my bikini area to my sideburns, wondering why I shed a handful of hair every time I take a shower and getting pimples into my 30s.  Wait, that doesn’t sound normal?  Well that’s normal for me.  And having had NO information about my PCOS, I didn’t know these were ALL classic symptoms of it.  

Anyone who knows me knows I love England.  I LOVE England.  Trips there have taught me more about myself in those journeys than I’ve learned about myself in years of discovery here.  So of course it’s no surprise I discovered the severity of the condition from which I suffer and the options for treating it (including the support available) on my most recent visit to the United Kingdom.  

When I returned I began the search for an endocrinologist, that’s right a HORMONE doctor.  In fact, I was told to look for one who specializes in PCOS and/or diabetes.  Thankfully for me, Santa Monica is a virtual epicenter for fertility clinics, hormone specialists and circuit trainers.  Beyond that, there are tons of circuit-training gyms and options for the kind of workouts required to have a chance at slimming down with PCOS.  

Flash-forward to now.  Every day I take so many pills I need an organizer to keep track.  I’m on 2000 mg of Metformin, 4000 units of fish oil, 2,000mg of Calcium and 2,000mg of Vitamin D.  I experience bouts of nausea, fatigue and have horrific nightmares.  I have a dietician, a therapist, an endocrinologist and a new OB-GYN who specializes in PCOS.  I feel crazy, angry, emotional and like I’ve been mistreated by the medical profession for the better part of my life.  And I STILL don’t know if I am going to be able to have babies.  

I’m taking it in stride and using every bit of the support available to me.  I’m crying, venting and sharing when and where I can and preparing myself for a lifetime of self-care far beyond what I thought I’d need as a normal woman of my age and health.  

I’m also getting on with my life.  When I quit smoking cold-turkey in 2005 after 11 years, I wrote about it and writing about it is what really helped me feel like I could help myself through the tough days.  

Thanks for reading and if you are a PCOS patient feel free to contact me and share your story.