13th
Almost forgot who my boyfriend is… 99 Problems - 1-9
Lately, I’ve found myself feeling bored with the crop of men in L.A. In all fairness, you’re out there men, you’re just gay. I don’t live in West Hollywood anymore, which made it impossible to meet anyone at the local Trader Joe’s. But since I moved to another part of the city (Miracle Mile) and I work in Santa Monica, I’m meeting tons of straight men. But the story doesn’t end there. In the grand tradition of dating, there are 99 probems, but this bitch ain’t one.
It is with great frustration and vast experience I present to you an 11 part series, each containing 9 problems, totalling — 99 problems I encounter meeting men/dating in L.A.:
1- Non-Committal - Most of them are here still trying to figure their own lives out so they’re “not looking for anything serious”. Hey guys, I just want to go out for dinner or a show. sheesh
2- Tied to a Shrew - If I had a dollar for every time I made eye contact and exchanged smiles with a cute guy browsing at Whole Foods only to be treated to a scene starring some CLEARLY insecure girl who obviously “took her eyes off HER man for ONE minute” grabbing him by the arm with the ever de-masculating “Let’s go.” With no ring on, your man is fair game ladies. Chances are if he’s winking at me while you’re in the ladies room, that isn’t even your man anyway.
3- No Free Time - This one is kinda bizarre to me, but I’ve met a guy in the last year that LITERALLY travels constantly and is almost never around. When he is, he has to throw little get togethers (usually impromptu and informal) so he can see multiple friends at once, otherwise he’d never get to spend anytime with them. There simply isn’t time to hang out with each one solo.
4- Vacation/Business - UGGH this one plagues me since a lot of people come to L.A. and try to get the most of out it either for business or for a vacation without actually living here. I’ve gone out with my fair share of musicians, techie guys, europeans, etc. who’ve all spent a SHORT period of time in L.A. and claim to be here “often”. Thing is: I’m OK with that! The other thing is: they’re not.
5- Still Cooking - This one’s a toughie because it often gets confused with “non-committal” and it’s not that at all. This guy LIKES me and wants to commit to me, but he doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of and that bothers HIM. It’s nothing to do with me at all. If he’s couch-surfing because he got laid off and hasn’t been able to parlee those webskills into a lucrative free-lance operation yet, he will… it’s just going to be a while. And he doesn’t want to have nowhere to bring me “back” to at the end of a date (thinking he’s gonna score… he’s not). This is the least harsh. I get it, keep going and look me up when you have your shit together (of course then, he’ll probably want a 25 year old… which brings me to number 6)
6- Co-ed Chaser - This is the guy who thinks he’s attractive/interesting/cool enough to date a girl in her EARLY 20s, and won’t even consider someone more “grown up” (my guess is because THAT girl is threatening). This one is sad because that fellow actually believes he can have his cake and eat it too. As if somehow a 22 year old girl is going to be mature enough to have an adult relationship at his pace. Truth be told, fellas: in the same way you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, you also can’t expect a puppy to learn a new behaviour and get it right the first time. I’m not even 30 and I’ve been passed over multiple times for girls 5-7 years younger than me by men my age and older. Ew.
7- Serious Mommy Stuff - I like it when a guy is close with his family, his WHOLE family. Parents (and/or step-parents), siblings, cousins, grandparents, neices and nephews are all great to have in your corner and in your life. It says “I know what’s important; FAMILY is important”. This sets the stage for what I hope will be “our” family if he turns out to be my guy. The problem I’ve encountered is the mama’s boy. I’m talking about choosing mom over me, I’m talking about being unable to stand up to mom, and I’m ALSO talking about expecting me to do what mom has done in the past. I’m not a substitute for mom and I’m MORE IMPORTANT than mom, if I’m your lady. There, I said it.
8- The Networker - This one really gets under my skin. THIS is the guy who finds out my business or my friends’ businesses and goes out with me to take advantage of my willingness to help a brutha out. Now don’t get me wrong, I love an ambitious man and I’ve said MANY times if I met a man who needed me to work so he could earn a degree or build a business for which he had a real business plan, I’m in. Nothing sexier than a man trying to find a way to support me (and hopefully eventually, our family) better. But if a guy I’m dating is asking me to hook him up with favors in my business and it’s happening more often than dates, you better BELIEVE I’m dating a networker. This one happens a lot in L.A. because a lot of men are interested in dating a nice girl. But if that nice girl is a casting director and he’s an actor, soon, she’s going to find herself in the friend-zone which is adjacent to colleague row. I work in the music industry, so I’ve been dated PLENTY of times by musicians and since I used to have a soft spot for them, I hardly noticed until I was managing their band. It’s shitty and sad. Men in L.A., STOP that.
9- Letting Himself Go to Settle Down - I am an active gal. I ride the bus to and from work, but for the most part I’m a woman about town on foot (I don’t drive, yes I know, IN L.A. stay focused please). I own a bike, I play tennis a few times a week, I run a few nights a week as well. I maintain a healthy weight and am always looking for ways to challenge my body for the purposes of keeping slim and strong. I eat clean and avoid fried food or sweets. I get my hair cut often and try to present myself in a nice outfit, accessories, make-up and shoes when I’m at work and the same, cept sexier when I am out on a date. I take care of my skin, brush and floss (not to mention $7K worth of dental work to have a straight, white smile), and have overall exceptional hygiene. That being said, I’ve encountered some fellas who think the match to that package is overweight, balding, lazy and committed to a steady diet of caffeine, cigarettes, fried food and alcohol. Now I’m not saying for a guy to have a chance with me he has to be one of People’s Sexiest Man Alive contenders, but c’mon. Seriously, a beer gut? For those of you around my age, college was 7-10 years ago and you’ve had a gym membership at SOME point I’m sure. I know preparing to settle down to “grow old with a woman” doesn’t sound like as much of a reason to gloss up as “trying to get laid” does, if you want to us to promise to love you in sickness AND in health, it would be nice if you could show up in health. Also, I know I threw balding in there as an issue and while that can’t exactly be helped, there are women out there that are ok with balding men and some are SO into the shaved head look. I’m not and this is my blog.
Stay tuned, there will be more, 10 more of these in fact… yes, there are THAT many problems dating men in L.A.
Welcome to my world.
And you wonder why I’m dating music?
